In my experience, the most commonly cited reason that couples come to therapy, is to work on communication. During my intake sessions with the couple I hear various versions of “we just don’t hear each other well,” or “I don’t know how much more clear I can be,” or “it seems like any time we talk, even about insignificant things, it turns into a fight.” Many times, I also hear a sentiment of “I don’t think I can do this any more…I’m not sure I want to stay in this marriage.” The depth of sadness in that one single comment is palpable in those moments. As the therapist, my heart breaks for the place that couple has found themselves in. It also invigorates me, I know that sounds super weird, but this is exactly why I want to work with couples. I want to enter into your hardest, saddest, most disheartening moments and walk with you as we navigate our way out of this together.
In my work with couples, the early stages of therapy include addressing communication struggles with three key points. I want to share these with you here, so that, you can begin to explore these themes within your own life or relationship.
- Stop Seeing Your Partner as the Enemy
When a conversation feels bad, it’s easy to assume your partner is intentionally trying to hurt you. This reaction often stems from past experiences, shaping how we respond to perceived “threats.” For example, “Why didn’t you make dinner?” might be interpreted as “You don’t care about me.” Instead, practice reframing. Shift from, “They never care about me,” to “They’re saying things that hurt, but I know they love me.” - Identify and Interrupt Your Own Patterns
If you want change, stop focusing on what your partner needs to fix. Look inward. What are your protective strategies? For instance, do you shut down or lash out when you feel criticized? Recognizing these patterns is the first step toward responding more effectively and influencing positive change. - Practice Saying This Hard Truth
Try: “I think I’m having a hard time hearing you because I feel defensive. Here’s what I’m hearing—can you help me understand better?”
Admittedly, this is the hardest step. It requires vulnerability and breaking old habits. But couples who master this skill often report fewer blowouts and better communication overall.
Remember, this is an overly simplified list for an extraordinarily complex need. I think I’m pretty great, but I don’t pretend to be able to solve your relationship struggles with one blog post. Implementing these steps isn’t easy, and therapy can be a safe place to navigate the process. If your partner isn’t ready to join you, start the work on your own. Change in one part of a relationship system can influence the whole. Like a circle—move one point, and the entire shape shifts. And if your partner doesn’t want to work on things? Well, that’s a topic for another day—or a session with your therapist. 😉
Keystone Therapy Group has a team of therapists ready to join with you in this endeavor. Ready to address these or other concerns? Email us at [email protected]
